Month: November 2017

Hayes is Awesome: Vol. 1

Do you ever have that overwhelming feeling that Heavenly angels were placed directly in your path? They come at the most idyllic time & answer prayers in the most unexpected, perfect way.

Today was Hayes 2 year pediatric appointment.

We’ve been seeing Hayes’ current doctor for about a year & a half. She was great, but there was never that spark. That full investment in Hayes’ future & progress. She would listen to my concerns. Sadly they never felt sincerely received, but it never bothered me enough to want to change doctors.

I can’t remember the exact day. If it was a distinct feeling in my heart or something someone said that sparked the fire, but a month or so ago, I had the prompting to ask my cousin & his wife who their pediatrician was. I immediately called & set up Hayes’ appointment & was so anxiously excited.

Now let me deter for a few minutes… This pregnancy has been the most insane rollercoaster of emotions. The only thing I can compare this type of anxiety to is what I experienced after delivering Hayes. Postpartum depression hit me like a truck. I didn’t leave the house, I didn’t want to talk to family or friends. I was enveloped by my worries & fears.

I was finally feeling like myself this past summer. Hayes was about a year & a half. We were going to the pool with some friends that’s when the accident happened. I experienced PTSD for the second time I can remember in my adult life. (The first being when I had my first real panic attack that landed me in the hospital 10 days after delivering Hayes) Hayes’ accident sent me into that steep downward spiral of emotions yet again & my life was ruled by worry & fear. I was about 10 weeks pregnant with baby brother & absolutely terrified of being alone with Hayes outside of the comfort of my little house. I only left my house a handful of times in a whole month. Slowly, I started spending more & more time with family, finally made it back to attending church & felt a little more like myself, but I still had days where I just couldn’t handle taking Hayes out in public on my own. I was prescribed medication what would help me level out my emotions & make me feel more like myself &, let me tell you, I am so glad those babies worked! Of course, I still have my break down days, but they are fewer & far between than a few months ago.

Between Thanksgiving, Hayes birthday, Black Friday, his birthday party & another Thanksgiving dinner all in one weekend, I was on the verge of bursting. It was inevitable. My emotional breakdown happened just before our second Thanksgiving dinner, right before we were going to walk out the door, of course. I talked it out with Clint & finally addressed all of the emotions I was feeling that week.

Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Inadequate. Discouraged. Frustrated. Isolated. 

You see, earlier that week I was also trying to prepare for Hayes’ Early Intervention appointment. They send you a packet of “activities” to complete with them. Basically to see what their capabilities are & where they are having delays. I busted out the packet & started working on it before Thanksgiving because our weekend was fully booked up. Under each category is 6 different tasks to complete with them. Things like “Does your child mimic you when brushing your hair?”, “Do they pretend to use objects like a telephone or a hair brush?”, “Do they bring you toys?”, “Do they follow simple instructions, like close the door, bring me your book, or hold my hand?”, “Will they stack 4 blocks on top of each other?” To every single one of these I had to circle the word NO… Each consequent NO I circled, the more emotional I became.

Did I enable him to be this way?
Have I not spent enough time challenging him at home?
Have I failed him as a mom?

I sat there in frustration & tears, as Hayes happily continued playing with his other toys in his own unique way. Looking over at me every couple minutes, making eye contact with the biggest grin on his face. Blissfully happy.

No, I haven’t enabled him.
We can always spend more time teaching our children, it isn’t just me.
No, I absolutely have not failed him.

I cried as I watched my little best friend live his best life. He was so happy & it made me realize that no matter what, everything will be okay.

I went to Hayes appointment today with a mental list of concerns & questions with the hope that his new doctor would have a few answers.

He was perfect. Perfect for Hayes. Perfect for me. He said all of the right things to comfort my troubled momma heart. He confirmed, reassured & comforted me more in those 10 short minutes than I could have ever dreamed. He explained that even though Hayes is different, there are so many resources that can help him succeed AND us, as his parents. He assured me that I’m doing the right thing by getting him set up young with Early Intervention. Then told me that there are several options, depending on how aggressive we want to be with therapy. Of course, I want to get him more help if it’s available. He referred us to see a Pediatric Occupational Therapist, but it can take several months to get matched with one. Crossing our fingers it happens sooner, if not before baby brother arrives!

I think he could tell I was getting a little emotional, just coming to grips with everything that was happening & then he said this, “Every parent grieves throughout parenthood. Some are more simple, like if your child doesn’t like basketball like you hoped they would. Some are more intense, like finding out that your child will need to be in special education classes or possibly never live independently. We all need our time to grieve & that is absolutely okay.”

My heart could have burst.

He was the answer to my prayers. Absolutely the doctor Hayes needed & I needed. I didn’t expect to leave his appointment feeling so optimistic & comforted. The gratitude that filled my heart as I sat in my car in the parking lot with tears in my eyes is unexplainable. I’m so grateful for a Heavenly Father who hears & answers prayers.

My stomach is in knots of both anxiety & excitement in anticipation for Thursdays appointment with Early Intervention, but I know that everything will work itself out.

We can do hard things.

Today I woke up feeling completely emotionally overwhelmed. I wondered if, maybe, I had a dream that triggered this, but I couldn’t quite put a pin on what I was really feeling. That is, until later in the day, when they were triggered again.

So let’s begin here: I woke up to the kicking of our little miracle growing inside me. I laid there, feeling each kick. A smile spread across my face every time. This is always my favorite part of pregnancy. It calms my anxiety, & I try to soak every moment in.

But I had only a few minutes before Hayes woke up. We went through our normal morning routine. Diaper change, warm bottle, let the dogs out of their kennel & outside, ate some breakfast, played out in the backyard, watched a show, ate lunch. All the while, Hayes is whining, & I wasn’t sure why. I checked his diaper, no rash. I checked his teeth, nothing to worry about. I changed his clothes, still the whining continued. He looks at me straight in the eye, longing for me to help him. My momma heart could have burst. The past couple days he hasn’t been feeling well, so I gave him ibuprofen & a little juice. As soon as the juice was gone…the whining returned. An hour passed. So. Much. Whining. My last resort was to try a nap. I put on the Moana soundtrack & gave him a warm bottle. I cuddled him to my chest & started rocking him. His eyes glazing over, I knew without question, he was just tired. But the kid fights it. Kicking & screaming…& I’m about to lose my mind. Next, was to try the car. I got him changed, loaded, & bottle in hand. We drove for 20 minutes & he finally dozed off.

That’s when the first wave hit me.

How in the world am I going to parent TWO? 
How can I possibly give Hayes the attention & help he needs while taking care of a newborn?
How am I supposed to parent two children whose personalities & needs are completely different?

I ugly cried for 10 straight minutes until we got home. My mind racing & working myself into a downward spiral of self-doubt & fear.

Here’s the thing, Hayes is different. I’d be silly to not admit it.

He is unrelentingly energetic, fearless & independent to the core. Yes, those qualities sound like a lot of other 2 year-olds. However, if you’ve been around Hayes at length, you would understand.

You see, our sweet boy doesn’t talk. In his 2 year lifetime, he has purposely or accidentally said “momma” & “ba-ba”. I really don’t know if they were on purpose. He doesn’t point. He doesn’t use any words or sign language. He can gesture when he wants to be held. Just in the past few months, he begin clinging to his momma & daddy, knowing that we could help him, but he can’t figure out how to indicate what exactly is wrong. He makes eye contact. That’s how you know he needs something.He grabbed my hand just the other day & took me over to the gate that leads downstairs, because he wanted me to open it. I can see progress, though it may be extremely slow.

We attempt to provide choices throughout the day. Letting him choose applesauce or yogurt, PB&J or chicken nuggets, Toy Story or Moana, etc. Truthfully, he doesn’t care… or maybe he does… He doesn’t give any indication to let us know otherwise.

His communication, in general among other things, is delayed & that speech barrier is becoming more & more apparent. He spends the majority of his days whining & frustrated. This barrier frustrates me, & I can’t imagine what it’s like for him.

As you can imagine, parenting a child like this is so. freaking. hard. He tests me every day. I love him for that, but I find myself near tears, &/or pleading & crying to my Heavenly Father, almost every day. Praying for understanding, for any kind of inkling as to what our next step is to help our sweet boy. I want to understand from his perspective. I want to help him channel his energy into productive learning. I pray for my heart & thoughts of the future to be calm & open to whatever is in our path. No matter how many “oh, he’s just a boy” or “every child is different” comments we receive, this doesn’t calm my mind of possible trials & tests that could lie ahead for him.

The unknown is consuming my mind, but it’s comforting to know that our Heavenly Father has placed talented, kind, educated people in our lives to help Hayes. He has his first assessment with Early Intervention, an organization in Utah that provides programs for children with delays, autism or disabilities, at the end of November. They come to your home & watch him play, interact with him & do a series of “tests”. I’m sure they’ll ask me questions about his life & personality. We’ll then go to their office & do a hearing test.

I feel peace & hope, knowing that we’re moving in the right direction to finally having some resources that will help him & us understand. I’m excited to have resources & maybe some answers to my “why’s”.

To some, this may have seemed like a rambling of thoughts, but that’s what my life feels like right now. Somewhat of a mess.

I’m going to try to put into words my feelings, Hayes’ improvements, & daily challenges/progress we make ❤