Category: Spiritual Thoughts

This Christmas was unlike any other.

Hayes being born just before Thanksgiving made the holidays this year slightly chaotic. I want to make it clear that I love my son more than I can put into words, I love being a mom, but here’s the truth. Being a mom is HARD. Wicked hard. The trials you face after you have your baby are so unpredictable, which is why I felt so unprepared for Christmas this year.

Mentally – I was all over the place. Postpartum hormones got the best of me & landed me in the emergency room a week & a half after Hayes was born. It felt as if a sack of bricks was sitting on my sternum making it difficult to breathe. We were afraid that maybe it was a blood clot or even something going on with my heart. I was convinced that it was something big. It ended up being an awful, AWFUL anxiety attack. I’ve had them in the past, but nothing like this. This sternum pain lasted for a few weeks & still even happens every once in a while if I do too much or I’m feeling overstimulated. In addition to this pain, I also have my bouts of crying for no reason. Such a joy 🙂

Physically – I was exhausted & stuck at home with a newborn. Which is a blessing that I know a lot of mothers don’t get, so I’m very grateful, but being home bound made me stir crazy & a little depressed. Our traditional visit to Temple Square to see the lights was out of the question with a newborn. I didn’t get to do a lot of holiday shopping or bake any yummy goodies. Although, I ate enough of everyone else’s to make up for it!

Spiritually – This aspect of Christmas was something I was more in tune with than other years.

Welcoming a little, perfect spirit into the world brought me closer to my Savior than ever before. It helped me reflected even more deeply on the birth of my Savior, on Mary & her role in His life & on His atoning sacrifice. He was born to save us from our sins so we could return to live with our Heavenly Father. Because of Him all families, including my little family, can be eternal & we can one day be perfect. This year, I’m even more grateful for that truth.

Earlier this year, my uncle Mike was diagnosed with lung cancer, which is treatable, but incurable. Witnessing Mike’s strength, the strength of his eternal companion, my sweet aunt Mary Ann, & the strength of their children, is incredible. Over the past year, I’ve seen Mike & his family have to endure, & overcome, unimaginable trials. I’ve seen people give & bless their family & I know that the Lord has sent these angels to lift the Morley’s up. This has helped me understand the true meaning of Christmas & the need to be Christlike always. Not just during the holiday season.

I love my Savior. I love my family. Though, I may feel inadequate & weak at times, I can be strengthened through Him. Through him, we can do anything.

This week was running smoothly. Stressful, with school and work, but smoothly.

Thursday is when it all changed.

I work from home most days, which is a blessing and a curse. I had just finished a long day of sitting at the computer, QA-ing and answering emails from clients. Thirty minutes before the work day was over, I was dialed into a conference call. That’s how I received the news that the investors that were funding the company I work for had decided that they were no longer going to fund our project. I was laid off.

I’ve been in shock for the past few days. The first things that ran through my head were, “Well, I’m glad I’m not pregnant.”, “At least we have a little food storage.”, “How are we going to pay our mortgage?”, and some angry thoughts about the situation that our investors had put me and my coworkers into.

The apostles and prophets of the LDS faith have forewarned us about situations such as this. They have told us to get out of debt, to build up food storage, and increase our savings. We haven’t done the best in any of those aspects, but we have a little. I never thought this would happen to us. So, I’m really feeling the guilt right now, but honestly, I’m not scared anymore. Over the past few days, I’ve received a lot of perspective on what I truly want to do. If I have to get a job just so we can put money in the bank, then that is what we’ll have to do. But what I’ve come to realize is that I’m an entrepreneur.

I want to photograph. I want to design. I want to mentor. I want to learn.

& the amazing thing is that Clint believes that to. He believes in my ability and believes that the skills that I have are profitable and marketable. That truly makes the difference.

In the end, I’m just grateful to have an amazing husband by my side, endless love and support from my family and friends, and the gospel. The gospel reminds me that not all is lost. That there is something to be grateful for every single day. That this is a trial, just like every other, and I just have to put my faith in the Lord, do my due diligence and put the talents He has blessed me with to work.

Life is good. You just have to find it.

Today, I woke up late & got ready as quickly as possible & still missed my trax train. I threw my hair in a bun, put on some mascara & brow liner, & that’s about it. (I promise this comes into the story later.) I drove up to campus, frazzled & frustrated, & barely made it to class on time.

After my first class, I walked across campus in this 85 degree heat. By the time I made it to the Institute building, I was sweaty, flushed and slightly winded. I went into class & dropped my backpack in a seat & went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror, frustrated with the sweat glistening on my forehead. I was letting it bring me even more down than I already was.

As I was wiping the sweat off my forehead and fixing my hair, a woman around my age walks into the restroom, looked at me & smiled. She paused for a second and said,

“That is a really beautiful color on you. It really compliments your eyes.”

Feeling my face blush, I said thank you, finished pulling my hair in a pony, and went to class.

I held my chin a little higher as I walked to class. I thought about what that girl said. I thought about how effortless it was for her to say those kind words to me. She has no idea that she made my day, or at least, I don’t think she does.

The world needs more people like this woman. Kind, genuine people. The world needs more people with her spirit & light. The world needs more people with His light.

I’m challenging myself to do just that.

A couple weeks ago, I started feeling a void. I was feeling spiritually lonely. I knew that I needed to change some of my habits, so that I could draw closer to my Heavenly Father. In addition to making goals for scripture study, prayer and other things, I immediately started searching online for LDS books that would help me rekindle the spiritual fire that I have felt previously in my life.

Continue reading ““Forget Me Not, O Lord”” →