Today I woke up feeling completely emotionally overwhelmed. I wondered if, maybe, I had a dream that triggered this, but I couldn’t quite put a pin on what I was really feeling. That is, until later in the day, when they were triggered again.
So let’s begin here: I woke up to the kicking of our little miracle growing inside me. I laid there, feeling each kick. A smile spread across my face every time. This is always my favorite part of pregnancy. It calms my anxiety, & I try to soak every moment in.
But I had only a few minutes before Hayes woke up. We went through our normal morning routine. Diaper change, warm bottle, let the dogs out of their kennel & outside, ate some breakfast, played out in the backyard, watched a show, ate lunch. All the while, Hayes is whining, & I wasn’t sure why. I checked his diaper, no rash. I checked his teeth, nothing to worry about. I changed his clothes, still the whining continued. He looks at me straight in the eye, longing for me to help him. My momma heart could have burst. The past couple days he hasn’t been feeling well, so I gave him ibuprofen & a little juice. As soon as the juice was gone…the whining returned. An hour passed. So. Much. Whining. My last resort was to try a nap. I put on the Moana soundtrack & gave him a warm bottle. I cuddled him to my chest & started rocking him. His eyes glazing over, I knew without question, he was just tired. But the kid fights it. Kicking & screaming…& I’m about to lose my mind. Next, was to try the car. I got him changed, loaded, & bottle in hand. We drove for 20 minutes & he finally dozed off.
That’s when the first wave hit me.
How in the world am I going to parent TWO?
How can I possibly give Hayes the attention & help he needs while taking care of a newborn?
How am I supposed to parent two children whose personalities & needs are completely different?
I ugly cried for 10 straight minutes until we got home. My mind racing & working myself into a downward spiral of self-doubt & fear.
Here’s the thing, Hayes is different. I’d be silly to not admit it.
He is unrelentingly energetic, fearless & independent to the core. Yes, those qualities sound like a lot of other 2 year-olds. However, if you’ve been around Hayes at length, you would understand.
You see, our sweet boy doesn’t talk. In his 2 year lifetime, he has purposely or accidentally said “momma” & “ba-ba”. I really don’t know if they were on purpose. He doesn’t point. He doesn’t use any words or sign language. He can gesture when he wants to be held. Just in the past few months, he begin clinging to his momma & daddy, knowing that we could help him, but he can’t figure out how to indicate what exactly is wrong. He makes eye contact. That’s how you know he needs something.He grabbed my hand just the other day & took me over to the gate that leads downstairs, because he wanted me to open it. I can see progress, though it may be extremely slow.
We attempt to provide choices throughout the day. Letting him choose applesauce or yogurt, PB&J or chicken nuggets, Toy Story or Moana, etc. Truthfully, he doesn’t care… or maybe he does… He doesn’t give any indication to let us know otherwise.
His communication, in general among other things, is delayed & that speech barrier is becoming more & more apparent. He spends the majority of his days whining & frustrated. This barrier frustrates me, & I can’t imagine what it’s like for him.
As you can imagine, parenting a child like this is so. freaking. hard. He tests me every day. I love him for that, but I find myself near tears, &/or pleading & crying to my Heavenly Father, almost every day. Praying for understanding, for any kind of inkling as to what our next step is to help our sweet boy. I want to understand from his perspective. I want to help him channel his energy into productive learning. I pray for my heart & thoughts of the future to be calm & open to whatever is in our path. No matter how many “oh, he’s just a boy” or “every child is different” comments we receive, this doesn’t calm my mind of possible trials & tests that could lie ahead for him.
The unknown is consuming my mind, but it’s comforting to know that our Heavenly Father has placed talented, kind, educated people in our lives to help Hayes. He has his first assessment with Early Intervention, an organization in Utah that provides programs for children with delays, autism or disabilities, at the end of November. They come to your home & watch him play, interact with him & do a series of “tests”. I’m sure they’ll ask me questions about his life & personality. We’ll then go to their office & do a hearing test.
I feel peace & hope, knowing that we’re moving in the right direction to finally having some resources that will help him & us understand. I’m excited to have resources & maybe some answers to my “why’s”.
To some, this may have seemed like a rambling of thoughts, but that’s what my life feels like right now. Somewhat of a mess.
I’m going to try to put into words my feelings, Hayes’ improvements, & daily challenges/progress we make ❤
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